Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tell the world

Man where do I begin. Coming home from the men's retreat a couple weeks ago I was worried my life would return to where I left it. I so did not want to go back to that.

What I came back to changed my world. I came back to find out that I am going to be a dad! I know, its pretty stinkin' exciting. I go back and forth between the emotions of excitement and freaked-outness. Its mind boggling to think that we are going to be parents. At times it seems like we are pulling the biggest prank, like in a week we will have to go back to everyone and say "hey, we were just kidding". Even the night I found out I was sure I was dreaming, that at any moment I would wake up and it would all be a dream. The reality of it is slowly begining to set in.

I have had fun the past week, shocking the world one person at a time. Most of the reactions were like mine and included: Shut Up! Shut up! Are you serious. Does Natasha know? No way. Ahhhhh! Are you kidding? When I finally figured out what I was sent to see in the bathroom (I thought we had a plumbing problem and kept looking for the "problem" for like 5 minutes before I found what I was supposed to find) I sat there saying Shut Up over and over and over. Then the tears of joy pretty much started flowing. Because you have no idea what we have gone through as a couple to get to this point. If you would have asked me three years ago if I had to guess what the future held for our marriage and my choices were kid or divorce I would have had a hard time choosing kid. So when I look back at the past three years and think about how our lives have changed...I don't know what to say...freaking amazing.

Speaking of amazing. Here is what I will be google-ing tonight. How in the world does the heart beat for the first time? I can't comprehend it...cells dividing, organs developing, body forming, and then at some point that heart beats for the first time.

This is crazy, I am going to be a dad! I want to go to one of those New Zealand mountain tops and scream it from the top of my lungs.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

All for you

The one and only way

He is always there.
He never changes.
He has no end.

Your the only one that I can live for.
You are the way, the truth, and the life.
Living by faith not by sight.

Living all for you.

Thursday, August 24, 2006


This week has been so much different than what I expected it to be. I would use words like unexpected, unexplainable, and strange to describe it. I know that I was really worried that the feeling of aliveness that I was feeling from last weekend would slip away as this week happened. It has been so much the opposite. This week I feel like that aliveness in me is growing rather than diminishing.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The time has come

I said in my last post that I couldn't put into words what happened in my heart this weekend...I am going to try.

The time has come for me to stand for all I believe in. No more half throttle or some of it or most of it or almost all of it. This weekend my eyes were opened so much to Gods love to all. They were also opened to: that all I am is Gods and all that I should be living for is God. I could throw out the bullet points of everything I have lived for but I don't see the point...they could be summarized into this...Selfishness. Its got to stop and end today.

I feel like I found new hope, new life, and a realization that all I need is God. Its all that I need to live for. What's the point of living for anything else? Nothing else has legs to stand on, its all worthless. So today I want to give everything I have to God, I want to live with everything that I am for God. I have no idea how that might look right now. I mean I have dreams, thoughts, and ideas but how do I implement that? Where do I start? I guess it starts with just living each week, day, hour for him...not just Sunday or the Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday schedule.

One of the servants answered, "I have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the harp. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. And the LORD is with him."

1 Samuel 16:18, the verse we memorized has a theme that I can so identify with, the softer side of man. I have to admit when I started learning the verse the part about David the harp player struck me as a little strange, because the world we live in does not lift up the "harp players", I mean have you seen an action movie starring the harp player? No its the sword swinging super stud. I am not a sword swinging super stud...I am a "harp player" not an actual harp player but I am soft, emotional guy. I love kids, I love words, I cry, I like writing my thoughts, dreams, and desires down in a journal. I think that I like these things because they help me figure out me. I write because it helps me sort out my thoughts and I like looking back in my journal to see my journey. I think that for so long I have felt like that was part of me that I couldn't and shouldn't share. For so long I have given people, especially men the proverbial stiff arm. To keep them away from my heart and to create distance. This weekend all it took was one friends stiff arm on me for me to see my own stiff armness of all who venture close to my heart.

I don't want to stiff arm anymore and I don't want to be stiff armed...that is my prayer, hope, and what I need to work on. This weekend I caught a glimpse of that, but I still have fears of what people think. The only way I think I can get over, around, and under that is to give all of it to God. The praise, the fear. The time has come for me to give it ALL to you God, to give my all to you. I don't know what that exactly looks live other than its everything I am.

As I sit here and type this I am fearful of tomorrow. Tomorrow means back to work, back to deadlines, jobs, and problems that I fear will suck the life out of me and I am afraid that in a week I will be back to where I was before this weekend. I don't want to go there...I want to be alive. I want to tell the world that Jesus lives. That he died for me, them, for all. That he is alive and that we all can be alive in him.

Found love beyond all reason. You gave your life Your all for me and called me Yours forever. Caught in the mercy fallout. I found hope, found life, found all I need. You’re all I need. The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I for one am gonna give my praise to You . Today, today it’s all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You. Yeah all the praise goes out to You. Today, today I live for one thing. To give You praise in everything I do. Yeah all the praise goes out to You. All we are is Yours, all we’re living for is all You are, Is all that You are Lord

Thanks to Hillsong United for these words and to the 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 year old that brought me to my knees today.


I went on a mens retreat this weekend and have been thinking about how I could describe it. I don't think I can put down words that can describe what went on in the hearts of 40 men. I know I can't put down words that describe what happened in my heart. Men came alive.

Don't ask youself what the world needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
-from Wild at Heart

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tractor Time

For the past week I have been spending some quality time with my tractor. As much as the fields needed to be worked for planting I needed some time alone. Its been a long spring and summer with little time away from work. When I spend time alone on a tractor going back and forth I get a lot of time to reflect, dream, and ponder.

I had a flock of barn swallows follow me around the whole week. From field to field they were always there, swooping all around me picking off the insects that flew up around me. They were pretty entertaining.

The bean field on the rolling hills provided some awesome views as the wind blew through the leaves with the sun shining down. There were waves of different green shades that flowed through the field constantly.

The clouds have been spectacular lately. Big puffy ones with lots of blue between them all. So many different shapes.

It is so nice to slow down, to think, and to dream.

Bible Humor

Who was the shortest man in the Bible?

It is not Zachaeus, although he was "a wee little man."

It's Bildad the Shuhite (Bill Dad the shoe height).

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Wave of heat

I retract my earlier post about the heat, because that weather was chilly compared to what we are experiencing now. Also at that time I was kind of enjoying the warm weather, which is really strange for a cold loving guy like myself. My "normal" self has returned and is wishful for winter or at least sweatshirt weather. I am dreaming of fall color, pumpkins, and trick-or-treaters. Bring it on.

You are probably wondering why the change of heart....well when I walked out of by garage at 5:30 this morning I was not hit by the usual slight chill in the air. No I was hit by a wall of hot sticky air that just about sent me running back to my comfortable AC cooled house. You know its going to be HOT when it is 81 at 6 am.