Sunday, August 20, 2006

The time has come

I said in my last post that I couldn't put into words what happened in my heart this weekend...I am going to try.

The time has come for me to stand for all I believe in. No more half throttle or some of it or most of it or almost all of it. This weekend my eyes were opened so much to Gods love to all. They were also opened to: that all I am is Gods and all that I should be living for is God. I could throw out the bullet points of everything I have lived for but I don't see the point...they could be summarized into this...Selfishness. Its got to stop and end today.

I feel like I found new hope, new life, and a realization that all I need is God. Its all that I need to live for. What's the point of living for anything else? Nothing else has legs to stand on, its all worthless. So today I want to give everything I have to God, I want to live with everything that I am for God. I have no idea how that might look right now. I mean I have dreams, thoughts, and ideas but how do I implement that? Where do I start? I guess it starts with just living each week, day, hour for him...not just Sunday or the Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday schedule.

One of the servants answered, "I have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the harp. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. And the LORD is with him."

1 Samuel 16:18, the verse we memorized has a theme that I can so identify with, the softer side of man. I have to admit when I started learning the verse the part about David the harp player struck me as a little strange, because the world we live in does not lift up the "harp players", I mean have you seen an action movie starring the harp player? No its the sword swinging super stud. I am not a sword swinging super stud...I am a "harp player" not an actual harp player but I am soft, emotional guy. I love kids, I love words, I cry, I like writing my thoughts, dreams, and desires down in a journal. I think that I like these things because they help me figure out me. I write because it helps me sort out my thoughts and I like looking back in my journal to see my journey. I think that for so long I have felt like that was part of me that I couldn't and shouldn't share. For so long I have given people, especially men the proverbial stiff arm. To keep them away from my heart and to create distance. This weekend all it took was one friends stiff arm on me for me to see my own stiff armness of all who venture close to my heart.

I don't want to stiff arm anymore and I don't want to be stiff armed...that is my prayer, hope, and what I need to work on. This weekend I caught a glimpse of that, but I still have fears of what people think. The only way I think I can get over, around, and under that is to give all of it to God. The praise, the fear. The time has come for me to give it ALL to you God, to give my all to you. I don't know what that exactly looks live other than its everything I am.

As I sit here and type this I am fearful of tomorrow. Tomorrow means back to work, back to deadlines, jobs, and problems that I fear will suck the life out of me and I am afraid that in a week I will be back to where I was before this weekend. I don't want to go there...I want to be alive. I want to tell the world that Jesus lives. That he died for me, them, for all. That he is alive and that we all can be alive in him.

Found love beyond all reason. You gave your life Your all for me and called me Yours forever. Caught in the mercy fallout. I found hope, found life, found all I need. You’re all I need. The time has come to stand for all we believe in. So I for one am gonna give my praise to You . Today, today it’s all or nothing. All the way. The praise goes out to You. Yeah all the praise goes out to You. Today, today I live for one thing. To give You praise in everything I do. Yeah all the praise goes out to You. All we are is Yours, all we’re living for is all You are, Is all that You are Lord

Thanks to Hillsong United for these words and to the 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 year old that brought me to my knees today.


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