Monday, September 19, 2005

Ten steps forward...Thirty steps back

I feel like satan had me right where he wanted me...content, stationary, stagnate. Stagnate waters bread disease, death, and decay. God I don't want to go back to those stagnate waters. I saw a glimpse of the destruction and decay and what it can do to my marriage. I think the harder I pursue God the harder satan digs his talons of destruction into my life. It has been a difficult day, a trip to the ER, and the disappointment I saw in the eyes of my beauty. The trust I lost. Tonight I feel like a pawn on Shoots and Ladders. I feel like I was moving along in my walk with God and my relationship with my wife and then I stepped in a pile of poo and was sent sliding back 30 places.
Tonight I asked God to speak his word into my heart. I opened my Bible to Romans 6, it talks about our old self being crucified with Christ on the cross so that the body of sin may be done away with. That we are no longer slaves to sin because anyone who has died with Christ has been freed from sin.
After reading Romans 6 I read Romans 7 and it pretty much sums up how I feel. So close it is eerie. We know the law is spiritual; but I am unspirtitual, sold as a salve to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that it is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law;but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in mind am a slave to Gods law but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirt you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship. And by him we cry Abba, Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are Gods's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
My prayer tonight is that God would continue to speak truth into my heart and let truth pour from my soul.


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